Six and a half months later, I came home to an empty place. Literally and figuratively. Literally: What was empty? The closest. What was gone? All of my daughter's father's belongings, along with the Playstation and my fave game, Mrs. Pac Man (such a LOSER). Figuratively: What was empty? My spirit and mind. What was gone? My hope and aspiration for the near future. What was going on? I was at a place beyond confusion. I remember calling, and calling, and calling, and calling him all evening, receiving no answer. Honest to goodness, I didn't know what this all meant. We weren't arguing, in fact, we had a pretty great relationship and we were having a baby.
On February 12, I gave birth to a lovely baby girl. All the pain, hatred, rejection, and feelings of worthlessness were swallowed up in the second I stared into her eyes. Six months earlier, I thought the pregnancy was the end of my life, but giving birth to her saved my life. After three pushes, I never looked back or revisited the pain or the person. To date her father has remained true to his word. He was not and still is not ready to be a father, and I am cool with it. Thank you for leaving me, while I was pregnant. My daughter has been the central force of every positive, on track decision that I have made. I have only reached above, and never settled for less with her in my life.
There may be times in your life, when the pain is so extreme you can't see yourself coming out. There may be situations when someone whom you trust and love, will hurt you more than your worst enemy. There may be events so frightening that it trumps any nightmare; but hold fast to time, because things will turn again in your favor. In those moments, you have to find your light, that "thing" that guides you through. In my case it was my lovebug, my joy, my baby girl Faith. I never knew I could love another human being this much. Most importantly, I never knew another human being could unconditionally love me this much.
You are too good and too important to life to let another individual have power over your feelings and emotions causing you to feel worthless or inadequate. Find your light to guide you through and you will be surprised at the strength you find in yourself.